Please know that when writing this I am exposing a very vulnerable part of myself. For those who know me personally, I have a tough personality and keep my emotions to myself, but as I write parts of this post I find tears streaming down my face. This is a very real experience for me and hopes it is read with hearts wanting and willing to understand the struggles that those who deal with infertility go through.
First and foremost, if you see me in person, please don’t approach me with sad eyes and apologize to me for what I am going through. It is very uncomfortable for me to shrug and unemotionally say “it is what it is”. Please don’t pity me. I just want to bring awareness to a topic that tends to go unnoticed or undiscussed.
I see how all the soon-you-be mothers are praised, and those who are struggling are met with pity and honesty it sucks, for lack of a more eloquent word. I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me. I just want people to be more cautious of what they say because 95% of the time, nothing that is said is helpful. On the contrary, it hurts, so please just think before you speak.
In this post, I am going to express the thoughts and emotions that run through the mind of a woman struggling with infertility.
How Infertility Affects my Emotions
I Feel Sadness
It never really leaves. Every month my period comes back, and I am destroyed all over again. Every month I think “maybe this is the month”, and every month I am wrong. To date, it has been 24 months. “What if” times 24. “No” times 24. “Try again” times 24. And I don’t know how many more months of this i can take. Some months are better than others, but most come with the same sadness. Another month where I can’t tell my husband he will be a father.
I Feel Confused, and I Blame Myself
Why not me? What am I doing wrong? Is it my weight? I have always been pretty good at math, but this doesn’t add up. 1+2=3, then where is the 3? It should be simple, right? Wrong. I have researched, studied, and read books, and nothing. I don’t know why, and maybe I’m not meant to, but it doesn’t make things easier. If I do what I am supposed to do, why doesn’t it work? I had a friend once sat “getting pregnant is the easiest thing you can do?” Well, I guess that wasn’t true, because here I am. I do feel frustrated and angry most of the time and like nothing makes sense.
I Don’t Want Advice
Please, just no. Trust me, at this point, I have done it all. Read it, watched it, and did it. Nothing changed. I have reached the point where I have little to no motivation to find a solution because looking for a solution means hope and so far my hope has always ended in despair.
I am Exhausted
I’m tired of explaining why I don’t have a baby. “When will you guys have a little Archer” my answer is “When the Lord wills.” Because I can’t really say what I would like to say. I would much rather prefer to scream that we have been trying for years and it has resulted in nothing. The question seems innocent, but for us, it hurts more than you will ever know. So, please, stop asking. Trying to conceive takes a toll on the mind and the body. It is very draining, and we don’t want to be reminded about our constant failure.
I Feel Hopeless
At times I feel like achieving pregnancy is something not meant for me. That I will never have my own family to watch grow up. Kids to play with and do silly things. Like I’m somehow forgotten, and motherhood is not meant for me. So please, don’t complain about your kids to me, you don’t know how much I wish I had those problems.
How Infertility Affects my Life
It Affects my Finances
OPKs and pregnancy tests can get expensive. I explained OPKs in a previous post which you can find here. But when it comes to trying for a baby, it can get expensive; constantly buying vitamins, books, OPKs, and pregnancy test takes a toll on my wallet. For the time being, I have stopped investing in these things, I still have a drawerful that I haven’t touched in months due to lack of motivation.
It Affects my Marriage
Intimacy can become a means to an end, and when that end is not met it’s frustrating. Instead of being something that God created to be enjoyed, becomes more like work. If you’ve been there, you know.
It Affects my Relationships
Forgive me if I don’t want to go to your baby shower. I am happy for you and would love to celebrate with you, but I feel I can do that without being present sometimes. Please don’t take it personally.
It Affects my Faith and Spiritual Walk
I am filled with so much doubt and confusion as to why I am going through this. I have to force myself to seek God in prayer so He can help me deal with what I don’t understand. It’s not easy. The question is always “what did I do wrong God?” “Why can’t I be fruitful and multiple like you commanded?” “Do I have any hidden sin and that is why I’m being punished?”
How Can You Help?
In reality, there is very little anyone can do, but prayers are appreciated. Just don’t notify me that you are praying every time you see me.
Hugs, but don’t hug me for too long, I will cry. It’s a tricky thing because although we want others to recognize the struggle, we do not want to be known for our struggle.
Be willing to just listen. We don’t like to talk about it, but if we do start to talk about the subject, it would be nice to have an ear willing to listen without making comments or suggestions.
Although I am facing this very difficult situation, I still believe God will do His will. Is my faith shaken, absolutely. But deep down I know everything works out for His purpose. I still believe He can open the womb-like He did for Hannah, Sarah, and Rachel. I may not always think what I am facing is fair, but I know He is God regardless of my situation.
If you are experiencing infertility, please know that you are not alone.
Here are a few posts by other bloggers that I think help show how I see things: